What is wrong with the world?

It seems that everywhere I look these days, the world is going to ruin. Death, destruction, murder, violation, domestic violence, slander, adultry, all of these things are common, or more common than they should be, anyway. And it angers me. So much hate courses through my body at the site of the world gone to shit. Seems you can't even find someone who has a decent heart, or if you do they stay out of it because they don't want to get involved. And then there's those thoughts that eat away at your sanity until you feel like you're going to explode in a mixed up ball of emotion. And then you realize you're being petty and hateful and it still doesn't help because you are angry, so angry, and your anger just gets displaced from the world and it's faults to you and your faults. And it sucks.

Death seems so sweet right now.

And I know that sounds like an emo thing to say, but it's the truth. Really. Stopping life seems to be the best exit for me right now because really if I have to sit through one more second of life I might scream. I feel like exploding and crying and laughing and screaming all at the same time and I can't get over how much I just want to die. Nothing works out, my life is shit and so is the everyday emotional state of my personal being. So fuck it, that's what I say. I'm going to just stay in my bedroom for the rest of my life. Sit there, rotting, watching Sweeney Todd and Repo! The Genetic Opera and other epic movies, read some books, eat some food and stay there until I'm 73 and die of old age....or 34 and die of too much aeresol cheese spray (I've never actually tasted it, but I would eat it if I had it, mostly because I could just not do manything and eat it.) Or until I give up and kill myself. Okay, okay, I get it. I'm being suicidal right now, and I very well may not have any idea what true desperation is, but still. I just....whatever. Good bye world and all who inhabit it.

I hate the sun

I really really do. I took my little sister to the pool today. She had a good time, and I got caught up on my reading, so it was good. Except...I couldn't find the sunscreen. So we went sunscreenless. You know where this is going. She's fine. Hardly burnt at all. My shoulders, however, are killing me. Like, death by pain. Owww.

On top of that I'm pretty tired too. And that is why I hate the sun. And so, I cut this complainitory post short, for I have zippo inspiration and no energy to think. Adieu, mes amis.

Happiness is when the second choice is better than the first choice

So today I was at Wal Mart. I was hoping to buy The Sims 3 Ambitions, but they were all out because it's a new expansion and blah blah blah. So I was pretty bummed. That is, until I saw a copy of Penny Dreadfuls Sweeney Todd. Now, and avid Sweeney fan such as myself would have been over the moon. Which, naturally, I was. So, instead of remaing sad, I treated myself to a purchase to cheer myself up. And Now I'm estatic. It's an awesome game! But it gives me a headache sometimes, lots of strain on the eyes.

Uuuuuuuuuuuugh.........................

I have a headache. A very big headache. But not a real headache. Well, sort of a real headache, becasue I just clonked my head on a wall, but that's not the point. I am trying to comprehend the mess that is Twila, the Girl Who Waz in Luv with a Vampyre, which is almost as bad as My Immortal. Not to mention that I'm sitting in English class and it always drives me insane because, just my luck, I get stuck with the idiots who decide that hair clothes and boyfriends make a future (alright, so I'm sure they have more subtance to them I guess, but it doesn't seem like it.) Not to mention that I am an outcast, that girl you see walking in the halls, eyes down, mp3 out, book in front of her face? Yeah, that's me. The overweight girl who looks about ready to kill someone. But she has friends. And you've seen them. But they're outcasts too. And you watch while the people try to cut her down for wearing whatever the hell pops out of her closet at her first thing in the morning, and then she writes about it on he rblog, not mentioning names for chance that it might get discovered and she might get caught and penalized, her life made a living hell, her spirit broken. They tell you life's not really like that. But what do they know?

Encore is my new favorite word.

That's right, encore is my new favorite word. Know why? Cuz we're doing an encore performance of a few songs from the musical, that's why! I am so happy! Plus we get to do a song for the Cappies, which is basically the Oscars (is that the movie one? Eh, I dunno, they're all the same to me) for the school performances of Niagara (At least here it's the Niagra Region, I don't know if they do this elsewhere.) And we've been NOMINATED! WHOOO! Actually, they try to give us fair chance, so most people got nominated, but still. And, yours truly got nominated for Supporting Actress (which is weird, but oh well. I'll live.)

EDIT NOTE: The encore was great. Granted, it was just the song we were nominated for, but still. Better than nothing. The DVD's came in as well. I love it. Well, could been shot better, but it was still great. Got lots of pictures too. Cappies is on Thursday. Can't wait. Adios, amigos.

Attack of The Sadish Radish

That's right, I am a Sadish Radish. We've been finished performances for five days (yes, it's been about 25 days, give or take since the last post) and I am so sad. The set has been dismantled, and their painting the stage black again tonight. I am so sad about it. But we can purchase DVD's, so it's not ALL bad. Still pretty depressing

Anyway, I am in the middle of English class right now. My teacher may yell at me at any moment. We've got to compare three different movie versions of one scene from Hamlet (Mel Gibson, Keneth Branagh and David Tennat...David Tennant FTW) I'm a little bit not having any insperation. But I'm about to get yelled at, any second. So I'm leaving you with this very small post and one final word : Anomotapea. And I don't even think I spelled it correctly. Anyway, Adios!

Sleep...

Sleep is good. Except for when it doesn't want to come to you. Then it's a meanie. 14 days and counting until the first show, 15 days until official opening night. I'm talking, of course of the musical that I've mentioned. I am so stoked! And I'm not the only one. Everyone I know is pretty much counting the days. We've worked so hard on it, and even though we're not quite there yet, we're getting there. Rehearsal until 6:30 tomorrow, all of act one. Which is good for me, because that's where I am mostly. I need to pretend to hit and be horrible to this little girl I absolutely adore though, so that's a little not cool, but eh, I'll get over it.

I am incredibly bored. I am forever searching the web and I can't find anything to do, and I can't think of anything to do at home cept for read a book and all of the books I'm working on aren't within my grasp right now. Reading Fifth Buisness for English. It's not bad. Reading the Castaways of The Flying Dutchman for fun. It's really good. Reading A Spot of Bother for fun, it's really good too. But none of them are accessible (well, that's a lie, A Spot of Bother's up in my room, but I don't really feel like reading it and Fifth Buisness is in my coat pocket, but I don't think I can focus on any book right now. But The Castaways of The Flying Dutchman's at school, and that's the one I really want to read...but not right now. Because I'm tired)

My eyelids are quite heavy and are half dropping over my eyes, so I think I'm going to go to bed...maybe. Or I'll read a fanfiction. Either CSI (I've got a soft spot for Nick and Greg) or Kingdom Hearts (Not to sound too much like a clone, but AkuRoku FTW) or maybe I'll pick up on the FAKE mpreg I'm reading. Oh, decisions decisions. Oh well, I'm getting out of here, anyway, that's for sure. So I'll see you whenever I get around to updating, which may not be for a while because starting tomorrow, as I said, we stay after school to 6:30 and later 7:30. So I'll see you when I have time to see you. Bye fellow nerds! (Unless you're not a nerd. In which case, I don't see what you see in this, the home of Mega Nerd. I'm Mega Nerd, by the way. And you know what? I am okay with that.)

You know you're cool, when...

You talk to yourself.

The house is mostly empty (except for your hermit brother) and so you blast music and dance around when Mr. Blue Sky comes on.

You sing just about every moment of your life

When things get awkward, youj either say "welll...yeah....this is getting awkward..." or "right...I'm going to stop talking now..." (stop talking now can be replaced by I'm gonna go now and the backing away slowly.)

You punch yourself in the head because you dancing like an idiot.

So today is my fifth happy day in a row, SCORE!! Really, I'm on top of the world right now. I just hope I don't jinx it. you also know you're cool when instead of jinx you write kinx and then you can't fix it until you stop laughing) The musical opens in 23 days!!! WHAT???? You don't know what i'm talking about??/ Well, that must be fixed! My school is doing Lers Miserables for our musical this year (we alternate musicals and plays. This year is Les Mis.) and yours truly is Madame Thenardier. Yeah! And my very good friend Avery is Valjean, go him! Seriously, he is so amazing. But he thinks he's not. Cuz he's lame. Anyway, that's all I had to say. Live long and prosper.

At the risk of getting myself more haters than fans, let's talk for a second about...

People who yell at and critisize you for every single thing that you do but you notice that they do worse things than you do. Like "Oh no, you made a loud noise!" Okay, little Miss Lie-about-most-things-and-fight-with-my-little-sister-over-everything-because-she-gets-mad-and-it's-funny, who died and made you perfect? Really. God gave you your own life without your own imperfections, so don't focus on mine. No one gives a crap that you think you're better than me. What you need to do is get a reality check and realize that none of us posess a single perfect cell in our bodies. Not even me. I am a selfish whiny little fat head who focuses too much on complaining about herself and trying to convince people that she's not a girly girl, is a total tom boy but may just be a tiny little bit girly (but not overly girly. Just not as 'butch' as she sometimes pretends) and you don't see me pointing out every little flaw. Geez. You should all just hold a convention and point out each others flaws, so that none of the rest of us have to hear you nit pick and you can critisize each other without ever getting annoyed, because that's another thing you can critisize.

Foamy is the master of the squirrely wrath.

What's that? You've not heard of Foamy? Well head on over to Newgrounds and get educated my friend! Actually, a better way to get educated is to go to illwillpress.com, that's the website. He's so funny and full of hate. One of my favourite Foamy quotes is "you look that dumb ass straight in the eye and say "well that's too bad, because while you were wasting your time trying to get laid by old ladies I carved out your mothers eye sockets with a razor blade and sold her blind ass to bondage slaves of the japanese mafia and they've been shoving flesh eating cavern ants up her ass and video taping it for internet broadcasting. Now that's an insult!"

Anyway, on an unrelated note, I WANT TO GO TO TORONTO!!! Now, I am aware that makes me look ike a self-centered brat and maybe I am, but I have a good reason to be this time. Sweeney Todd is playing in Toronto. Until April 4th. Easter. I really want to see it, but my mom says I need a responsible adult (a parent, if you will) and I don't know what it is about parents and Sweeney Todd, but no one wants to take me to it. On top of that, RENT is also in Toronto, so I want to see both shows on the same trip. Again, I need a parent. Being 17 sucks sometimes.

Why?

Why am I so sad all of the time? Seriously. I have so many reasons to be a cheerful person but I just can't seem to find the will to be happy. I cry more than I smile, I prefer to huddle in my bed and cover my head with my blanket than do anything else, I have a Tim Burton's Tragic Thoughts journal, (you can find it on the internet, the stupid library computers won't let me link it.) and I fill it with, well, tragic thoughts. Am I a seriously messed up individual?

I do, however, try to find ways to cope. Mostly I immerse myself in books and musicals and Tim Burton movies and other awesome movies and musicals that have been made into movies. Every musical I've seen is really amazing and I love it, but my favorites are Sweeney Todd, RENT, Les Miserables and Avenue Q. I have yet to see Moulin Rougue and Phantom of the Opera, but those are next on my list.

The Phychiatrist says I'm slightly depressed. I also have a sliet anxiety disorder. I know it's probably that, but still. I feel...pathetic when I'm so sad all the time. It's like I want to be miserable, or my mind doens't want me to be happy. And then I think about how much better my life is than those poor children in third world coutries who have no electricity no food and no educationa and I hate myself a little more.

Pain is an invention of the mind

It really is. Cause ya know, if you're in pain and stop thinking about being in pain, you're no longer in pain! See how that works? So... that drama festival thing...it was...fun. Seriously though, it really was fun. There was lots of nommy nommy food, and an awards ceremony (we won two, for our director and our stage manager.) and a small dance, and even that was fun. I don't do the whole dance thing. Well, no, that's a lie, I dance, but not in public in a place where it costs more money to dance and be exhausted with no food than it would to stay home, dance, get exhausted and have unlimited amounts of food. But I met this girl, and she's really cool. New friends are always a bonus.

Would you care to settle a debate? In the Corpse Bride, which I mentioned in my last post, does Victor love Emily? (the corpse bride) Because my friend says that he does. But he also loves Victoria, the girl he was supposed to marry originally. So, my question is: Why would he let Emily 'die' if he loved her? That is all. Goodnight world, see you when I see you.

And so it begins...

Here we are. Sitting at our computers. You reading this post, me writing this post. And for what? Well, essentially, just because. I mean, my friend has a blog, (you can check her out at http://thelifeandtimesofmelliee.blogspot.com/ ) So why can't I? I suppose it'll be a nice way to vent, no? And hey, even if there's no one out there reading this, I've got a method of coping with life, haven't I? You know, tell complete strangers about my problems and, by some mircale, it'll help. Well, it doesn't hurt right?

My counsellor retired some time ago and since then I've been going through a little rough patch. What else can you expect from a 17 year old female who suffers from slight depression and anxiety and hasn't menstruated in at least a year and a half? (although I'm on it right now, and though it's a bit of a relief, it hurts like heck) So, I figured I'd let this be anonymous counselling for me. None of you know who I am, and if you do, I probably already told you half this stuff.  The first thing to say is: This toga is quite snug. Why am I wearing a toga? Because I have drama festival and the cast of our play is dressing up in togas. Hence, toga.

The Corpse Bride just finished. Love Tim Burton, he is a genius!! Favorite movie of his is Sweeney Todd. Stephen Sondheim is also a genius. Musicals are genius. How many times can one person say genius in a sentence? I guess if you apply yourself, you could use it quite a few times and still have it make sense. I think that I will try it. Johnny the Genius was called Johnny the Genius because he was so smart (a genius, if you will) am his genius-ness was so genius that they decided to call him Johnny the Gneius. Hey, you know that drama festival thing? Yeah, I have to go to that now. Peace dudes and or dudettes...if you're even out there.