Those carefree days I used to know, where have they gone where did they go?

Growing up sucks. I look back at all the things I used to love, and all the things that made life worth living, and now, I'm apparently too old to do any of them. I'm not supposed to watch kids TV, I can't dress up anymore, and the only dollhouse that it's socially acceptable to play with is the one in The Sims. I'm not saying life sucks now that I can't do any of that little kid stuff, I'm just saying it would be nice to be six again.

I cleaned out my closet with my mom the other day. We uncovered tons of stuff I used to play with, clothes I used to wear, diaries I wrote in when I was 13. It made me nostalgic. But not in the good way. Often when I think of my childhood, I get sad that it couldn't stay that way. That I couldn't hit a button and everything stayed like it was when I was small. My mom is slowly finding things we've had forever and changing or disposing of them. People are always asking me what I'm doing now I'm out of high school. My mom is also charging me rent and suggesting I get another job so I can move out. Sometimes I just want to tell it all to stop. Go back a decade and a half. I was happier then. Life was easier then. Familiar then.

In on of these sad nostalgic moods, I looked up a bunch of friends from elementary school (on Facebook.) They're all so different from what they used to be like. But I guess I am too. They're all moved away, going to school, getting jobs. Growing up. I was nearly about cry out in frustration when I noticed something comforting. Each person I looked up had a close group of friends back in elementary school. It was comforting to know that the circle had been enlarged, but still contained those same people. I suppose some things stay the same, they have too. And I guess change is good. Sometimes I just wish it would stop for a minute to let me get used to it. Maybe then I wouldn't hate it so much.

Music and Me

I very much love music. I cannot be productive without a good song blaring in my ears. I do not like going anywhere without some sort of music playing device. I've been told, however, that my collection of music is weird. And okay, I'll admit, it's a little...different. It's all from musicals, or kids shows. The only actual bands I have are Chameleon Circuit and Omnia, save a random song here or there. But it's all good music.

Speaking of good music, I just heard the greatest song ever. It's called Wake Up, and it's by a band called Omnia, and it's so cheerful and melodical and uplifting. I love it. And it's a little corny, but I love it. It's wonderful, and completely all about waking up in the morning. It even starts with a whispered "Hey, wake up"

Anyway, not only do I find it enjoyable and not only does it help me be productive, but music is a good therapist. Whatever my emotion, I can always rely on music to relate to it. And I guess it always makes me feel better, even if it does so by making me cry or angry.

Back from the dead

But not the literal dead, cause that's impossible. Well, maybe not impossible, but highly improbable. Or at least, it is with the limited technology we have. By which I mean that we're not super high tech aliens or anything. Although, according to Doctor Who, not even aliens can come back from the dead (plenty of them can avoid death, be it regenerations or not being able to die at all, or dumb luck or whatever). But I digress.
So! Plenty of stuff has happened since I last updated. The main one I think being that I haven't been that much of a downer since then. If you recall, the last couple of posts (and the first couple..actually most of them, save a few in the middle) were all gloom and doom and sadness and hate and yadda yadda yadda, I'm a whiny little beech nut tree. Well, I'm feeling much more upbeat and at peace with the world, and have for a while. The second biggest thing is that I am now almost nineteen. So, almost legal! I also have a full time job (or, will soon, anyway) and so I'm going to be way too busy to slip back into a rut. And finally, I've come to the realization that being a hermit may not always be the best choice. Getting out is good for the soul. (of course, too much being out makes me want to kill you, but that's another tale for another time)

I've recently discovered the wonders of Anne Rice's The Vampire Chronicles and I must say, so far it's a very good read. Course, I'm not even halfway through the first book, but so far I love it. I saw the movie the other day, and fell in absolute love with Lestat. I don't even know why, he's just the greatest. Which I think is one of the reasons why I loved the ending so much. That, and the whole "Louis, Louis...still whining Louis" part was pure gold. Anyway, I hope there are some people out there to miss me, and that if there had been, they hung on. However, all statistics show that I have zero people looking at this...which is probably why I speak so freely and uninhibitedly. I spelled that wrong, and I'm also not even sure it's a word. Anyway. I will leave with one final statement: I need some sleep...and he needs a nose...and I need some sleep...and some new glasses...and he needs a manicure...right, carry on too long now. Goodnight, world.

What is wrong with the world?

It seems that everywhere I look these days, the world is going to ruin. Death, destruction, murder, violation, domestic violence, slander, adultry, all of these things are common, or more common than they should be, anyway. And it angers me. So much hate courses through my body at the site of the world gone to shit. Seems you can't even find someone who has a decent heart, or if you do they stay out of it because they don't want to get involved. And then there's those thoughts that eat away at your sanity until you feel like you're going to explode in a mixed up ball of emotion. And then you realize you're being petty and hateful and it still doesn't help because you are angry, so angry, and your anger just gets displaced from the world and it's faults to you and your faults. And it sucks.

Death seems so sweet right now.

And I know that sounds like an emo thing to say, but it's the truth. Really. Stopping life seems to be the best exit for me right now because really if I have to sit through one more second of life I might scream. I feel like exploding and crying and laughing and screaming all at the same time and I can't get over how much I just want to die. Nothing works out, my life is shit and so is the everyday emotional state of my personal being. So fuck it, that's what I say. I'm going to just stay in my bedroom for the rest of my life. Sit there, rotting, watching Sweeney Todd and Repo! The Genetic Opera and other epic movies, read some books, eat some food and stay there until I'm 73 and die of old age....or 34 and die of too much aeresol cheese spray (I've never actually tasted it, but I would eat it if I had it, mostly because I could just not do manything and eat it.) Or until I give up and kill myself. Okay, okay, I get it. I'm being suicidal right now, and I very well may not have any idea what true desperation is, but still. I just....whatever. Good bye world and all who inhabit it.

I hate the sun

I really really do. I took my little sister to the pool today. She had a good time, and I got caught up on my reading, so it was good. Except...I couldn't find the sunscreen. So we went sunscreenless. You know where this is going. She's fine. Hardly burnt at all. My shoulders, however, are killing me. Like, death by pain. Owww.

On top of that I'm pretty tired too. And that is why I hate the sun. And so, I cut this complainitory post short, for I have zippo inspiration and no energy to think. Adieu, mes amis.

Happiness is when the second choice is better than the first choice

So today I was at Wal Mart. I was hoping to buy The Sims 3 Ambitions, but they were all out because it's a new expansion and blah blah blah. So I was pretty bummed. That is, until I saw a copy of Penny Dreadfuls Sweeney Todd. Now, and avid Sweeney fan such as myself would have been over the moon. Which, naturally, I was. So, instead of remaing sad, I treated myself to a purchase to cheer myself up. And Now I'm estatic. It's an awesome game! But it gives me a headache sometimes, lots of strain on the eyes.